Pain, Fatigue, and Art
I have been so busy reading everyone else’s blog, that I forgot all about mine:)
I made a decision a few days ago to make sure I spend time drawing everyday. I don’t do enough of it and I really think that my art will be better if I work at the drawing part.
I also have been working on a pastel. It is from a demonstration in a pastel book. So, not an original. I get frustrated when I’m working on a demo., the instructions are not all that clear, or some things seem to be left out. Maybe these are things that I’m supposed to be figuring out, and I do, but after some frustration with it. I have been working on this landscape for a few days. It won’t be a masterpiece, but it counts as more practice. I know there are many things I need to learn, but I’m anxious to get working on my own stuff.
I have been feeling sort of down art wise, in a slump. I have ideas swirling around in my head, but I have to say that my energy just isn’t what it has been. I’ve been feeling”off” for about a week now. It kind of makes me mad. I mean I was doing so good there for awhile and I got a “taste” of what life can be like and now I’m completely wiped out again. I really don’t want to be all whiney here. But, it is part of who I am and it is getting in the way right now so I need to kind of unload. I have some major health issues, FMS/CFIDS/CMP, a seizure disorder, arthritis, restless legs, migraines, hearing loss and tinnitus… the list goes on. Anyway, I live with a good deal of pain everyday. Lately it seems to get unbearable at times. Tonight is one of those times. My hands hurt so bad from the FMS and arthritis. I can barely type. I’m having trouble painting because of this as well. I really hate it when my illnesses get in the way of my art. The fatigue has gotten worse again as well. I guess I’m flaring and I just don’t have time for this! I don’t want to be in bed. I’m tired of being in bed. It has only been about 2 months that I have been up and painting again. After more than 6 months of being basically bedridden and 12 months of not painting. sigh…
On another note, it is my youngest daughters birthday tomorrow. 17 years ago tomorrow at 3:38 in the afternoon, at Fairview Riverside hospital in Mpls, Stephanie Anne Sawyer was born. I think I’m a bit sad because I can’t be there to celebrate with her. Steph lives with her dad in Rochester, Mn. My two other kids, Jessi and Dom both live in that area as well. I miss my kids and Chris’ kids too. I haven’t been well enough to visit them for awhile. The last time was last June when Dom graduated from High School. Since then I have been in bed mostly up until about 2 months ago. I’m having my own little pity party here. I promise I won’t do this often! I’m missing out on big occasions in my kids lives. I know that I made the decision to move down to the SW, and it was a very difficult decision to make. I did it for my health. Believe it or not, I’m in more pain in MN than down here. But, still, it was and remains a difficult decision. I also thought that I would be able to visit them at least a couple of times a year, and it hasn’t been possible. I don’t travel well. We used to have a van that we could put a bed in the back for me, but it died, so we only have a small Honda now and it is very uncomfortable for me to travel any distance in it. I did travel in it last year to MN and it was really hard on me and I ended up very ill by the time we got back home. Oh well, such is life. And really, my troubles are small compared to some. I really have much to be thankful for! Steph says that she will come and visit this summer which will be great! Jessi is going to visit at some point too. I’m hoping that Dom will be able to visit at some point as well. We had Chris’ daughter Kasie here for about a month over xmas and it was wonderful. We miss having her around. Such great energy!
This flare will pass and I will be able to spend more time painting again. In the meantime, I will be working on my drawing. I have a feeling Callie(my little dog) will be my subject for a lot of my drawing. She is by my side most of the day. Right now she is snoozing right here on the bed. I love that dogs love so unconditionally. She has been particularly affectionate today. She must sense my feelings of discontent. See, already I’m feeling better:)
Posted: March 12th, 2008 under Healing, Landscape, Painting, Pastel, health, pain.
Comments: 4
Comments
Comment from Heather
Time: March 13, 2008, 3:06 am
Hey Sara, you just keep keeping on. I too have several health issues, several you mentioned we share. I live with nerve pain every single day, it’s like waking up and being set on fire every morning. I’ve been like this for 17 years now…it’s better to be above ground and in pain than the alternative. My docs told me back then that my bone cancer would kill me in 6 months or less…obviously they were wrong. Pain is…hard on the art making. I think that’s why I have so many different types of art I do now. When my hands are feeling badly I have this pair of scissors from the arthritis center that I can use even when my hands are claws…so I do collage. When my back is horrible and my leg won’t work…I do journal drawing, sewing, and small pastel works in bed. Sometimes my Fibro will knock me down…on those days I just try to get by and I always try to do a little something, but it’s hard when you are bedridden and hurting. When my hands and legs are working, it’s not unusual for me to run around like a mad woman trying to get as much done as possible before the pain returns. I know what you are going through. Really, really.
Making sure I get good sleep has helped me a lot. This last week when the crap hit the fan, I spiraled into a stress induced body attack. It makes me so freaking mad. I hate being in bed all day, drives me crazy. I’m trying to pull out, but so far I have not worked in studio for 7 days now and my hands are curled into swollen claws. I’m typing with a pencil stuck between fingers. I can paint that way too, I have been known to go crazy and tape paint brushes to my arm so I could paint.
My dogs know when I am sick too, isn’t that funny? They will follow me around everywhere, and stare at me when I’m over doing it. My big dog will even start barking as my pain flares…sometimes he knows before I do. I love my fur people.
I miss my oldest kid, like yours he is living across the country, he staid back in the NW when we choose to follow this dream (find and buy a farm, become self sufficient and check out of the worlds reality) and find warmer country to live in. We came out here for a job for Mate Man (the one he just lost) and because it is drier here, and supposedly warmer. (NOt in winter, brrrrr) I miss him like crazy. (my kid) I missed his birthday and it was the first Christmas ever without him this year…It was hard.
You just keep on keeping on my friend, we gimps have got to stick together so we can eventually take over the world. 
What do you feel like doing tonight Pinky? Same thing we do every night, try and take over the world!) Sending you love and healing energy…zzzzap! Hope you feel better soon.
Comment from leah
Time: March 13, 2008, 10:22 am
i’m sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing so much pain!
i think heather’s advice is great. when i’m ill or in a rut, just doing something/anything creative is wonderful. so if it can’t be pastels at the moment then perhaps doodling with pencil or sketching ideas for future work or ripping inspiring images out of magazines. hope you’re feeling better real soon.
Comment from jafabrit
Time: March 13, 2008, 12:43 pm
It is very hard to be positive or creative when in pain (I have chronic back probs and some days are good and then there are days when it is very very bad). Just have to not be so hard on yourself, your muse and you have to work around it, around the pain and sometimes that means doing tiny tiny amount and sometimes more.
I am learning not to put a guilt trip on myself and just do the best I can when I can.
sending my support
Comment from Sara
Time: March 13, 2008, 7:12 pm
Thank-you all for your kind words and support. i was able to get out for a walk by the river with Chris this morning and then we had a wonderful lunch at a small Mexican Restaurant. It was nice to get out of the house and spend time with my honey. I tend to hole up in my room and hunker down when I’m not feeling well, and that tends to make my depression about all of this worse. It was good to vent and get it off my chest though.
Heather, I love the reference to “Pinky and the Brain” hehehe
One thing I have in my favor are my pain meds:) I don’t think I would be at all functional without them.
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