Possibilities

A cloudy morning

brings memories

of long ago.

A day of walking

on campus at U fo M.

Drinking in my autonomy,

loving myself.

And seeing possibilities, so many passing through

my thoughts of life

and what it holds.

It is cloudy here today,

rare, though it may quickly

change to sun.

I feel promises,

and smell the possibility

of rain so welcomed

in this desert.

Interesting how one thing

can be so welcomed

here in this Southwest desert,

yet often unwelcomed

in the greenness of the north,

the place I once called home.

Here the water speaks its life-giving

phrases and we gladly

welcome it.

Dancing in puddles of summer monsoons.

Stopping, halting at raging

washes, be careful.

Rain, life giving force.

Gentle, or thunderous filling

rivers to overflowing.

One moment taking, trampling,

pummeling until the loss is

too much.

Rain so welcomed

on this dry Southwest day.

Spring rain sprouting forth

wildflowers in abandon.

Spring rain raging, flooding,

taking life as it so often gives.

This cloudy day of

memories past.

Of thoughts of possibilities.

The anticipation of new life.

One of my own creation.

Those long ago thoughts happy

with possibility.

Until that possibility became the daily life

created by another of my choice.

Falling into a life led

by terror, by sadness.

A life of empty promises.

So much pain.

So much suffering.

Stuffed daily to make life

“happy” with forced smile,

with children.

Teaching them to think of possibilities.

You hide and stuff and dream of life lost.

Of those possibilities not so long ago

that too long have been forgotten.

Remembering being too painful.

Stuck in a life chosen

by another.

You are a manikin, a shell,

living life, or not.

All energy focused on

loving children.

Your only saving grace.

Eggshell walking daily you

face the double edged sword.

Fearful of life.

Sick and unwanted,

tossed out

and…rejected.

Unloved, never appreciated

for who you really are or were.

For in this daily living,

survival was all you knew.

And self was lost the day

you were led down the aisle.

No possibilities here and you knew.

Desert Rain, cloudy skies

opening me up for new possibilities.

Life full of promise,

full of love for my Beloved.

Thoughts, no memories

of all possibilities felt

when life was still so young, so naive.

Life, older now, living

in a body of old pains, complaints,

leftovers from fear.

Feeling my unique and

wonderful self.

Treasured for who I truly am.

New Life.

New Possibilities.

Cloudy days full of promise.

Cloudy times turning to sun.

Turning to turquoise skies,

to light,

to painting and loving.

To being cherished,

soaking up all promises

of possibilities.

Living, creating a life

full to the brim.

Happiness is mine, ours.

New Life.

New Possibilities.

I made a decision a few days ago to make sure I spend time drawing everyday. I don’t do enough of it and I really think that my art will be better if I work at the drawing part.

I also have been working on a pastel. It is from a demonstration in a pastel book. So, not an original. I get frustrated when I’m working on a demo., the instructions are not all that clear, or some things seem to be left out. Maybe these are things that I’m supposed to be figuring out, and I do, but after some frustration with it. I have been working on this landscape for a few days. It won’t be a masterpiece, but it counts as more practice. I know there are many things I need to learn, but I’m anxious to get working on my own stuff.

I have been feeling sort of down art wise, in a slump. I have ideas swirling around in my head, but I have to say that my energy just isn’t what it has been. I’ve been feeling”off” for about a week now. It kind of makes me mad. I mean I was doing so good there for awhile and I got a “taste” of what life can be like and now I’m completely wiped out again. I really don’t want to be all whiney here. But, it is part of who I am and it is getting in the way right now so I need to kind of unload. I have some major health issues, FMS/CFIDS/CMP, a seizure disorder, arthritis, restless legs, migraines, hearing loss and tinnitus… the list goes on. Anyway, I live with a good deal of pain everyday. Lately it seems to get unbearable at times. Tonight is one of those times. My hands hurt so bad from the FMS and arthritis. I can barely type. I’m having trouble painting because of this as well. I really hate it when my illnesses get in the way of my art. The fatigue has gotten worse again as well. I guess I’m flaring and I just don’t have time for this! I don’t want to be in bed. I’m tired of being in bed. It has only been about 2 months that I have been up and painting again. After more than 6 months of being basically bedridden and 12 months of not painting. sigh…

On another note, it is my youngest daughters birthday tomorrow. 17 years ago tomorrow at 3:38 in the afternoon, at Fairview Riverside hospital in Mpls, Stephanie Anne Sawyer was born. I think I’m a bit sad because I can’t be there to celebrate with her. Steph lives with her dad in Rochester, Mn. My two other kids, Jessi and Dom both live in that area as well. I miss my kids and Chris’ kids too. I haven’t been well enough to visit them for awhile. The last time was last June when Dom graduated from High School. Since then I have been in bed mostly up until about 2 months ago. I’m having my own little pity party here. I promise I won’t do this often! I’m missing out on big occasions in my kids lives. I know that I made the decision to move down to the SW, and it was a very difficult decision to make. I did it for my health. Believe it or not, I’m in more pain in MN than down here. But, still, it was and remains a difficult decision. I also thought that I would be able to visit them at least a couple of times a year, and it hasn’t been possible. I don’t travel well. We used to have a van that we could put a bed in the back for me, but it died, so we only have a small Honda now and it is very uncomfortable for me to travel any distance in it. I did travel in it last year to MN and it was really hard on me and I ended up very ill by the time we got back home. Oh well, such is life. And really, my troubles are small compared to some. I really have much to be thankful for! Steph says that she will come and visit this summer which will be great! Jessi is going to visit at some point too. I’m hoping that Dom will be able to visit at some point as well. We had Chris’ daughter Kasie here for about a month over xmas and it was wonderful. We miss having her around. Such great energy!

This flare will pass and I will be able to spend more time painting again. In the meantime, I will be working on my drawing. I have a feeling Callie(my little dog) will be my subject for a lot of my drawing. She is by my side most of the day. Right now she is snoozing right here on the bed. I love that dogs love so unconditionally. She has been particularly affectionate today. She must sense my feelings of discontent. See, already I’m feeling better:)